Sleep Deprived
Last night I had to attend a gala at the hotel. I got home at midnight, and then stayed up until 3:30 am because, frankly, I am an idiot. I needed to be back at the hotel at 8 am for an hour this morning, and I knew this, but at the time spenging half the night watching CNN seemed more reasonable.
Got home around 9:30 am, and about an hour ago I decided that my blurred vision and inability to form sentences would probably both benefit from a nap. As soon as I was horizontal, I realized I could actually feel my brain vibrating in my skull, thanks to te two gallons of coffee I poured down my gullet this morning.
No sleep for Jenn. And a Jenn without sleep is a cranky Jenn. Here are the things that have occurred to me in the past hour:
1. My front lawn is a blinding sea of dandelions. I hate those farking things and I can't think of a damn thing to do except to nuke our yard with dangerous chemicals and kill EVERYTHING, grass included, so we can start over. I mean, we have a serious, serious problem out there.
2. I happened to look out my bedroom window at our backyard. One half of the "lawn" is nothing but dirt, I have no idea why or what happened. The other half is covered in burns from where the dog has pissed all over it. We have cheap patio furniture out back for reasons I will never understand because we have never ONCE used it. Because it is cheap, it is light, and it frequently tips over when it's windy. And because we never go in the backyard, it can stay tipped over for weeks at a time.
And did I mention that Mario hasn't mown the lawn yet this spring, at the remaining grass is damn near up my to knees? And our Victory Garden neighbours, who DO use their backyard extensively, get to look at all this glory?
It turns out I am white trash. Who knew.
3. I have never used a lawnmower in my life and would not have the slightest idea how. Not proud, just stating. So now you know my secret shame: I can't do anything. I can't use a lawnmower, I can't throw a football, I can't make pie crust, I can't organize my photos on the computer. I don't deserve love.
4. If I have to pick up one more pile of cat puke today, I will leave Mario. I am so not kidding. Goddamn cat puked FOUR separate times this morning. To say this is not an isolated incident is putting it mildly; I pick up vomit at least three times a day, EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.
5. I went to the grocery store half an hour ago, and I realized that (in addition to being white trash), I am The Oldest 37 Year Old On The Planet, because I am NEVER going to understand this fashion of having your bra straps on display under your tank top. I'm not talking about a little strap poking out when you move, I'm talking about both straps on display as if to say, "Look! Just a public reminder that I have knockers!" I KNOW already, okay? Put some clothes on. And while I'm at it, why don't girls / women look in mirrors anymore? Because, baby, there's no way you'd be flaunting that muffin top if you knew how hideous it is. I myself an not a size six, but the difference seems to be that I KNOW that.
6. It is hot and humid outside. I don't do humid. I will therefore spend the rest of the day inside with the drapes closed. At least that way I won't have to look at the dandelions.
7. Did I mention that lack of sleep makes me cranky?
8. This next thing happened yesterday, but I'm still mad about it, so I'm going to include it here. Yesterday morning, I got in to the shower, let the delicious water pour over me with its life-giving goodness, and reached for the shampoo.
I'm sorry, the what? The what? The full bottle of MY shampoo which my 22 year old stepson decided to remove from MY bathroom because he ran out? Yes, that shampoo. Okay, well let me just run my wet, naked, freezing ass downstairs to HIS bathroom so I can get MY toiletry.
I was livid. Absolutely blind with rage. This is not the first time he has taken something that belongs to me and I do not react well. I am terrific at sharing, but I am terrible at people TAKING. It may be my single biggest hot button, now that I think about it.
But,hmm, now that I think about it, I just throught of a really neat place I could dispose of all that cat puke....
Don't mess with me when I'm tired.
Got home around 9:30 am, and about an hour ago I decided that my blurred vision and inability to form sentences would probably both benefit from a nap. As soon as I was horizontal, I realized I could actually feel my brain vibrating in my skull, thanks to te two gallons of coffee I poured down my gullet this morning.
No sleep for Jenn. And a Jenn without sleep is a cranky Jenn. Here are the things that have occurred to me in the past hour:
1. My front lawn is a blinding sea of dandelions. I hate those farking things and I can't think of a damn thing to do except to nuke our yard with dangerous chemicals and kill EVERYTHING, grass included, so we can start over. I mean, we have a serious, serious problem out there.
2. I happened to look out my bedroom window at our backyard. One half of the "lawn" is nothing but dirt, I have no idea why or what happened. The other half is covered in burns from where the dog has pissed all over it. We have cheap patio furniture out back for reasons I will never understand because we have never ONCE used it. Because it is cheap, it is light, and it frequently tips over when it's windy. And because we never go in the backyard, it can stay tipped over for weeks at a time.
And did I mention that Mario hasn't mown the lawn yet this spring, at the remaining grass is damn near up my to knees? And our Victory Garden neighbours, who DO use their backyard extensively, get to look at all this glory?
It turns out I am white trash. Who knew.
3. I have never used a lawnmower in my life and would not have the slightest idea how. Not proud, just stating. So now you know my secret shame: I can't do anything. I can't use a lawnmower, I can't throw a football, I can't make pie crust, I can't organize my photos on the computer. I don't deserve love.
4. If I have to pick up one more pile of cat puke today, I will leave Mario. I am so not kidding. Goddamn cat puked FOUR separate times this morning. To say this is not an isolated incident is putting it mildly; I pick up vomit at least three times a day, EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.
5. I went to the grocery store half an hour ago, and I realized that (in addition to being white trash), I am The Oldest 37 Year Old On The Planet, because I am NEVER going to understand this fashion of having your bra straps on display under your tank top. I'm not talking about a little strap poking out when you move, I'm talking about both straps on display as if to say, "Look! Just a public reminder that I have knockers!" I KNOW already, okay? Put some clothes on. And while I'm at it, why don't girls / women look in mirrors anymore? Because, baby, there's no way you'd be flaunting that muffin top if you knew how hideous it is. I myself an not a size six, but the difference seems to be that I KNOW that.
6. It is hot and humid outside. I don't do humid. I will therefore spend the rest of the day inside with the drapes closed. At least that way I won't have to look at the dandelions.
7. Did I mention that lack of sleep makes me cranky?
8. This next thing happened yesterday, but I'm still mad about it, so I'm going to include it here. Yesterday morning, I got in to the shower, let the delicious water pour over me with its life-giving goodness, and reached for the shampoo.
I'm sorry, the what? The what? The full bottle of MY shampoo which my 22 year old stepson decided to remove from MY bathroom because he ran out? Yes, that shampoo. Okay, well let me just run my wet, naked, freezing ass downstairs to HIS bathroom so I can get MY toiletry.
I was livid. Absolutely blind with rage. This is not the first time he has taken something that belongs to me and I do not react well. I am terrific at sharing, but I am terrible at people TAKING. It may be my single biggest hot button, now that I think about it.
But,hmm, now that I think about it, I just throught of a really neat place I could dispose of all that cat puke....
Don't mess with me when I'm tired.
posted by Jenn at
10:57 a.m.
1 Comments:
i love your life.
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