Things I Would Like Explained to Me

How come I can use my hand to hold my hair up in a gorgeous, sexy ponytail, but if I use an elastic it comes out as a stringy mess?

How come I have what amounts to a PUBE growing out of my jaw near my ear? Where did this one mutant hair come from?

How come I can get compliments on my appearance from the man who loves me -- and sometimes from my guy friends -- but I never catch a stranger looking at me inappropriately anymore?

How come I can look in the mirror, and be very happy with what I see, but have my picture taken four seconds later and I inexplicably look like an old hag with nine chins?

How come ads in magazines think up NEW reasons for women to feel bad about themselves? I saw an ad recently warning women about crow's feet on their knees, and I was genuinely concerned, no matter how briefly. Why is that?

How come, if I have the type of little boobs I was promised would never sag, they're not where I left them?

How come these things matter?