Tired, again.

I have a good client who knows a lot about my personal life. Not because I spew my guts out to my clients, but because I deal with him every few weeks, and he loves working with Mario, AND he knows that Mario is my husband, AND he also recently went through some serious back issues of his own. Every time he calls me, before we get in to how I am going to spend his money this time, his first question is, "How's Mario's back?"

I always update him, let him know how Mario's doing. A few weeks ago, he said, "....and plus this is so hard on you." I laughed, of course this isn't hard on me, I'm not the one in pain, everything in my world is fine!

This client called me again today, and once more, before I figured out how to spend his money, we went through the whole Mario saga update. And again he said, "...but this is hard on YOU, too."

And maybe because I am tired and stressed about work and just generally in a bad frame of mind, tonight I tell you: this IS hard on me. Yes, yes, I have made (not so veiled) comments about missing our sex life, but it is far larger than that. I am tired of seeing him unable to stand upright. I am tired of him getting up three times a night. I am tired of getting home at night and having him not pay attention to me because the exhaustion has caused him to fall asleep on the couch. I am tired of being alone, even when he is eighteen inches away from me. I am tired of every conversation centering around his pain. I am tired of seeing him in pain. I am tired of being alone.

I miss getting a hug, alright? He can't do it because of the pain it causes him. I miss going out for dinner. I miss spontaneous outings. I miss him being AWAKE. I miss every normal fun aspect of the life we had a year ago.

We are planning to go camping in a week....camping is my absolute favourite thing in the world. I resent the fact that I am scared that he will be physically unable to do it. I don't blame HIM, I just blame SOMETHING for taking this joy away from me, from us.

I know Mario lives through the pain alone. But I live through everything else alone, too.

It has been more than six months. It IS hard on me, damn it.