The Real Kitchen

Just watched the season premiere of "Hell's Kitchen". The show itself was pretty brutal: crappy food, unorganized kitchens, Gordon Ramsay freaking out waaaaaay too often to be entertaining.

The reason I am hooked on this show is that it shows a kitchen in the way most people will never see. I'm sure, to the uninitiated, the cries of, "Yes, Chef!", "No, Chef!", "Right away, Chef!", "Thank you for telling me my food is shit, Chef!" must seem cheesy and forced. THAT'S what makes me chuckle.

Let me tell you: the whole Yes Chef / No Chef thing? That's real. It is a little known fact that chefs literally give up thier names when they get their own kitchen. I have known my Chef for six years, and I consider him a close, personal friend. And if I have called him Stefan five times in the last six years, I'd be surprised. Hell, I have called his house on social occasions, and asked, "Is Chef there? I mean, is STEFAN there?"

They don't choose to give up their names, ok? That's just part of the traditions in a kitchen. Traditions I know and love well. And just to make it clear, the way Gordon Ramsay acts, with all the swearing and belittling, is not the norm. But it's pretty close.

I think people somehow believe that a kitchen is some kind of magical kingdom of careful tasting, adjusting, and general creation of art. And it IS those things, when we have time for it. Culinary professionals usually do spend a small part of their day playing with food. But when we have to get 700 meals out in the next 20 minutes, it ain't any place for pussies, ok? So shut up and get the asparagus on that fucking plate NOW, alright?

I watch Chef and the sous's, and I am humbled by all five of them. They take, umm, ingredients and half an hour later come back with delights which have often brought me to wordless tears, simply because I did not have the words to describe that soft kiss of angels on my tongue. To paraphrase Dooce, they hold spoons out to my face, and I reach in and taste rainbows.

Miscellaneous kitchen facts:

1. There is only ever one chef, even if there are five people who share equal education and credentials; only the person who actually runs the kitchen, the Executive Chef, is ever referred to as Chef. There is a soft exception to this when you also have a pastry chef (which I do). The pastry chef is given ALMOST as much public respect as the Chef himself. But in the kitchen? The pastry chef is just another sous chef.

2. A sous chef is the exact same as the executive chef, he or she has the same education and credentials. They just don't run the department. I bring this up, only because of a conversation I had with a client today. He wants to set up a meeting with me and Chef in July, so I pointed out that I don't know Chef's schedule, he may be on vacation at that time, so if he's not available, I could get the executive sous chef. No no, that wasn't good enough for the client, he wanted CHEF. Which leads me to point number 3.

3. Literally ninety percent of what you eat in a restaurant or a banquet, the Chef had NOTHING to do with. A Chef's job is to run his kitchen and teach his cooks and apprentices. The sous chefs run most of the actual cooking and menu creation, with the guidance of Chef. And once they are up to Chef's standards, he pretty much lets them do what they want. He still knows that everything that leaves the kitchen will be attributed to him, so he is very concerned with the quality, but did he COOK it? Noooooooooooo.

4. You can tell someone's relative rank in a kitchen by looking at their hats. From an apprentice to a second cook to a first cook to a saucier to a sous chef to a Chef, the height of the hat determines their rank.

5. Those folds in a chef's hat? Each fold represents one way that chef knows to cook eggs. The more folds, the higher rank of that cook / chef.

6. These rare people practice an art. It is not a job you come to lightly. You come with passion, dedication, the surrender of normal life, and a great palate.

7. I could not imagine my life without them.